Beauty and Belief

Today I got the chance to go the MOA and look at the Beauty and Belief Exhibit. I was on a date so I decided to spare everyone and go quicker than normal through the exhibit (I can be in there for hours), but one of my favorite rooms was one that had quotes on the walls. My favorite quote was somewhere along these lines, “He who is God is One. God is the Eternal Refuge.” How beautiful is that? My favorite part of the exhibit was a place that had the 99 names the Islam's had for God. Each name represented something that God was or did. The Eternal Refuge was my favorite. I feel it  is so true for me. He is where I can find the most peace and comfort. After reading this, I did lots and lots and lots of thinking, which I have been doing lately :)

I was told that wild hearts couldn’t be broken. But I was also told that I’ve got a gypsy soul, and wandering soul. I was made for leaving, but only because I couldn’t ever find enough to hold on to. All through high school there were a few things and people that were very important, even vital, but that wasn’t enough for my heart that had become too big for me to think clearly. I couldn’t find anything to anchor my trust to. Not until now, now I’ve found friends that I will have for the rest of my life, and appreciate so much more the importance of my family. Whenever they are sad or hurt, I want to tell them it will be ok, I want to take that pain that is tearing them apart and I want it. I want to make it better from them so they don’t have to be sad anymore. It always tears me apart when they are sad or hurt. I want to tell them it's ok even though it's not, but I wish I could make it ok. 

I needed to leave my home to find myself. Not until I did that could I appreciate my family or where I came from. Now that I am here, I realize I left my heart in Tennessee, but I also brought it to Provo with me. Sometimes I think that my heart is too big for my own good. When I like something, I love it. It becomes a part of me and is added to my heart. My heart isn’t too big in the I’m-such-a-good-person way, because that’s definitely not it; I wish it were but let’s not kid ourselves :). When I love something I feel like I have to protect it, that’s why once it gets to my heart, it’s locked away and held there, safe and protected from anyone or anything that can hurt it. That’s my biggest problem. 

It is really hard for me to share things because I’m afraid of what people will do to with what I share with them. I can be funny but that's easy and I can tell people about little things, but not the important things. That’s why it’s hard for me to share the gospel, and I know that’s not the way it should be at all. In high school I think I was just so sick of people telling me what I believed was wrong that I just locked it away. The gospel is meant to be shared, but it is so dear and important to me, one of the most important things I have that it’s locked in the very center of my heart, one of the safest and most vulnerable places of me.

But I do have to have faith. Faith is the absence of fear. I’m afraid of lots of things, sharks, spiders, snakes, and sharing things like this with the world, even though I’m pretty sure only my mom will end up reading this. But I have hope. Maybe this will help someone who feels the same way, or maybe it will only help me. This is easier than going up in front of everyone. I’m a storyteller, I can write this and put it on my blog and think that only 2 people will ever read it, but baby steps. I’m slowly letting my faith overcome my fear. One day I’m going to not be afraid to go and bear my testimony during Fast & Testimony meeting and one day giving a talk will not be something that makes me so nervous I almost get sick.

I do want people to know that I know my church is true and I know that the scriptures are true. I know that Jesus Christ suffered an infinite and eternal Atonement for me. Just for me. And he is my big brother and I love him so much. I am eternally indebted to Him and I wish that I am afraid to share this; I know that through Him I can overcome this and all things. Not immediately, but someday. I am sad to think that because I am afraid people have not had the chance to hear the gospel and that some people might not have seen the real me. But what matters is that today I am trying and tomorrow I will try harder and one day I will be able to completely let all of my fear go. So through my Heavenly Father, the my Eternal Refuge, I can do all things, and when people do hurt the thing I keep safe in my heart, I can find comfort in Him. 

"And now, my sons, remember, remember that it is upon the rock of our Redeemer, who is Christ, the Son of God, that ye must build your foundation; that when the devil shall send forth his mighty winds, yea, his shafts in the whirlwind, yea, when all his hail and his mighty storm shall beat upon you, it shall have no power over you to drag you down to the gulf of misery and endless wo, because of the rock upon which ye are built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall."

Helaman 5:12