places i stopped on my way home

i didn't want to share any of this. i wanted to put it behind me and never talk about it again, but it's like that haunting naggy feeling that won't go away, so here goes.

it started out as a normal phone call.

"i just want to know what religion courses you offer," he said.

while i waited for him to load his computer, he started asking me questions. questions that were too personal. how old i was, where i was, what was i wearing.

i knew i had to get out, but then when he told me what he was doing, i went numb. i couldn't think. my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking. disbelief ran through my body as i tried to keep myself composed after i hung up the phone.

did that really happen?

"don't cry, don't cry."

i repeated it over and over in my head as i swallowed the lump in my throat. i waited for a few minutes then got back on the phone and tried to act as if nothing happened.

i didn't want to tell anyone. i couldn't tell anyone because i was so embarrassed. i was so ashamed that something like this had happened to me.
i hated him. i hated him because he laughed the whole time. i hated him because i had to sleep with my light on at night because alone in the dark the nightmares are real. i hated him because he turned a place that i love into a place that i was afraid of. i hated him because he made me feel like dirt. if a stranger could make me feel that way, what did that say about me?

and when she tried to convince me that he wasn't real, i told her that was the problem. he is real. and i couldn't understand what kind of person would want to hurt another person that badly.

i was violated and scared. and what he did was sick and wrong.

every time i saw an unknown number on the phone, my heart started to race. every time i walked into that office, i would remember what happened and feel sick. even now, i can't control the terror in my stomach and the tears in my eyes and the fear in my heart.

my mom raised me in beauty and light. she taught me to be beautiful, to see the beauty that the world was, but i couldn't see it. i couldn't feel the beauty anymore. and i hated him for that, too.

but then a potent lesson was learned, is being learned. everything i was trying to fight through and handle on my own isn't meant to be fought through. all the fear and insecurity was not and is not my burden alone. His grace is sufficient. that's why the Atonement exists.

and i know i need to forgive him, but because of my stubbornness, that's the hardest part.

you never expect for these kinds of things to happen to you, and what happened to me may be tiny compared to what others face, but it ripped my world apart.

i came across a scripture i had written down a long time ago:

"Then shalt thou call, and the Lord shall answer; thou shalt cry, and he shall say, Here I am...

"And if thou draw out thy soul to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall thy light rise in obscurity, and thy darkness be as the noonday:

"And the Lord shall guide thee continually, and satisfy thy soul in drought, and make fat thy bones: and thou shalt be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters fail not."

 Isaiah 58:9-11

my mom taught me to be beautiful. but she told me that that beauty comes from doing things that are difficult for you. "It is a beautiful person who stands up even after they have fallen. It is a beautiful person who never gives up. It is a beautiful person who strives to become better." He uses our weaknesses and trials to make beautiful strengths.

my Christ