BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN GIVEN MUCH I TOO MUST GIVE

three years ago i was sitting in my living room with my best friends, watching lds general conference, when we heard news that would change the world. as 19 year old boys and 21 year old girls, members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints had the opportunity to serve missions for the church; preaching the gospel and serving others. and three years ago we received the biggest news. girls would have the opportunity to go on missions for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints at the age of 19. i was 19.

and living in a mostly lds community being 19, surrounded by a ton of 19 year old girls, my life was rocked, and a new standard was set. but i did not want to go on a mission. which was fine because as good and wonderful as missions are, i was not required to go, and i would not be any less of a person if i chose not to go.

and because i so adamantly did not want to go, i would immediately put up a front the second someone tried to talk to me about going on a mission. i had prayed about it three years ago, and at that time, i did not need to go and i wasn't going to. there was nothing anyone could say to make me change my mind.

i didn't want to go so much that if anyone would try and talk to me about it, i would get so angry and upset to a point where i would almost be in tears. i tried to convince myself that i was one of those people who did not need to go on a mission, so much so that i almost managed to actually convince myself.

i couldn't leave.

but there were things i could not ignore, little nudges here and there. times where nothing in my life was going the way i wanted it to go, moments where my life plans didn't work out and could not work out so i had to change them. in the back of my mind i realized that this was Heavenly Father telling me He wanted me to go on a mission. but i couldn't do it. i wouldn't pray about it because i already knew my answer.

so for three years i lived with an internal struggle. it was almost unbearable at times, but other times it was like it hardly existed. i was doing good things, i was progressing, and it wasn't three years of consistent promptings, but it was always in the back of my mind. there were moments where i did things that were perfect for their timing. i figured out my major, i met amazing people, i lived in france, and did the top three things i've always wanted to do.

but one sunday afternoon this past september i was distraught. my soul could no longer be torn between the two sides, the one where i knew i needed to go on a mission and the one that was too stubborn and prideful to listen.

so i decided on september 14, 2015, after many tears and a lot of prayer, that i would serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. and even though it was the number one thing in the world i did not want to do, i knew in my heart that it was the number one thing that my Heavenly Father wanted me to do. and i could not deny that.

because i have been given much, i too must give.

and i'm not going to pretend that i was happy about my decision when i first made it, but i knew it was right for me and my life.

that september night i decided, i fell asleep with a heavy heart because i was sad because i did not want to go. i was full of worries. i would have one semester of college left, studying a language as my main focus, and who knew where i would go or what language i would speak. i would be 23 before i even left. people are going to think i am going on a mission because i'm not married or i don't want to finish school, or whatever other theories they wanted to come up with...

but the next morning i woke up, and i could understand a little more, and my heart changed. it changed just a little, and every day it has been changing more and more. and almost immediately i felt the weight of three years lift off of my shoulders, and what an immense blessing that was! every day since then i have been blessed to find reasons as to why i want to go on a mission.

i want to go on a mission because i want to show my Heavenly Father that i can do the things that He wants me to do. i want to go on a mission for my family; for my siblings and my parents and my future babies, to show them that i trust our Heavenly Father, and that I know through Him all things are possible. i want to go on a mission for myself, to prove to myself that i can do hard things. i want to go on a mission because i love the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and i know that the gospels and principles it teaches are the way to true happiness and joy. and i know these things because i have questioned it, i have fought to know of the truthfulness of it, and i have asked my God if they were true, and He told me through the spirit of the Holy Ghost that they are true.

i want to go on a mission because i know without a doubt that the Canada Montreal Mission is where i will thrive and be able to be the best missionary i can possibly be. i was full of anxiety and stress leading up to opening my call- but the moment i opened it i was so excited. i get to speak french and i am going somewhere cold, which are both things i really wanted (get back to me in february when i feel like i'm in antarctica ha). God is mindful of us!

and this is good news, and it is happy news, and it is simple. and i know that this will probably be the hardest 18  months of my life, but because of the struggle that i have gone through to go, i will try my hardest every day to be worthy of this call that my Heavenly Father has trusted me with.

i was not pressured into this choice. God did not make me do it, the people around me did not make me do it (but apparently i've been walking around with a "i need to go on a mission" sign glued to my forehead because hardly any of my close friends and family were surprised when i told them i was finally going). i knew what He wanted me to do, and i know that He knows the desires of my heart, and He also knows the great potential of my life that i cannot even begin to imagine. this was a choice i could not make and my life would still be great, just different.

i may be living every day right now for the day that i get off that plane in a year and a half and can say, "i did it," but i know that in time that will change because my heart is already changing. and i know that if i, a cat lady, knitting grandma stuck inside a 22 year old's body and self-proclaimed old soul can go on a mission, we can all do hard things.

i have no idea what is ahead of me, and i will probably look like a deer in the headlights for the majority of my mission, but i know that i love God and even better, He loves me, so i am not afraid.

PLZ WRITE ME OKAY

Canada Montréal Mission

Entering the Provo Missionary Training Center on January 20, 2016

French Speaking