hard and clear

"write hard and clear about what hurts."

- ernest hemingway

I have tried to write this so many times, so many agonizing times I have stared blankly at my paper and left it feeling empty. After scribbled words and crossed out lines, I have had to learn to accept that there are many ways to communicate how you feel; and sometimes it is silence.

Because no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to be able to form the right words. I cannot paint the words into pictures so lovely that whoever reads this will want these broken feelings, too. I cannot disguise the words so you will not know this is about you. And I cannot, for once, find the words that will fix this. Sometimes, this time, words are not enough.

So I miss you. I do not know how to say those words any differently. I miss you. I miss you all. And missing you hurts.

Most of the time, I am fine. I am happy. The hard moments come in flashes, when I am living my daily life, and I think of something funny or read something amazing, and I turn to tell you, but you are not there. Or when I come home to an empty inbox with no messages. Or when I am doing something great, and miss having you beside me to share those great times. Or when I think of missing you grow up, when I think I am not being the one thing for you that I always wanted to have.

But the worst part of all of this missing is not knowing whether or not you are missing me, too, or forgetting me.

But then, as I looked out my window tonight, I remembered what I had read earlier about the moon. It’s ours, that moon. She is the same for me and you and you and you and you. And suddenly, the world doesn’t seem so empty because we can both see it, we can both feel it, and if we both squint our eyes really hard, and gently reach out our fingers, we can both almost touch it.

So maybe think of me when you see her, that lovely moon. And when you hear something funny you know I would like, and when you read some words that speak to you so deeply you want to cry. Because you know I would like that. Because they are my favorite, those kind of words.