PARIS, JE T'AIME

i remember the first moment that i stepped foot in france. i felt disgusting in my uncomfortable tshirt, and my pants had gotten so stretched out (saggy butt lol). my hair was greasy. i knew i looked deathly pale, and all of my makeup had come off.

my journey to france was one of the hardest things i have ever done. i can mark where i mentally started preparing for this around november of last year, but i know that i have really been preparing for this my whole life. november i got an idea, december that idea broke my heart.

in february all the pain and heartache of lonely years made sense to me when i found out that i was going to france. i really, really was going to france. it had always been my dream, and i couldn't understand why nothing had worked out the way i wanted it to before, but here was the answer.

but i still had to get through the summer. one of the hardest summers of my life. the summer of waiting.

and the day was coming. the weeks leading up to it were full of goodbyes and reunions every single night, and, in retrospect, i wouldn't trade that summer of waiting or those days i was alone for anything.

and then my physical journey to france. a flight to new jersey one day. a bus to new york the next. being dropped off in the middle of new york city. the time the homeless man helped me figure out where to go (i didn't ask him for help, just for the record), standing on the side of the road with all of my things waiting for the shuttle to come, exhausted and nervous. the long flight. the layover in iceland.

finally i'm in france, and all i can think about is how i am about to pee my pants.

and after waiting what seemed like hours for my luggage, standing outside for another hour, watching all the shuttles and taxi cabs pick up strangers, and wondering what in the world i was doing here in france, i was in france.

to simply put it, i am in love with this place and with so many things here. coming to paris at this time was exactly the right thing for me. i came here exactly when i needed to with the people i needed most.

and so paris, paris, paris. a part of my heart will always be in paris. i hope everyone gets the chance to fall in love with her someday.

there is never any ending to Paris and the memory of each person who has lived in it differs from that of any other. we always returned to it no matter who we were or how it was changed or with what difficulties, or ease, it could be reached. paris was always worth it and you received return for whatever you brought to it. but this is how paris was in the early days when we were very poor and very happy.  || ernest hemingway 

thnks fr th mmrs paris, i'll be back.