what I learned...

Tonight was magical. That's the only way to describe the feeling when you see 150 lanterns float up into the dark night sky that 150 of your new family have just let go of. It's almost liberating. Make a wish, make a dream, let go of old dreams that are only dragging you down. Let go. Change is coming. It always does, and it's always scary but it's also extraordinary.

This is a time for reminiscing- on the good times, the sad times, the times when you were so mad, the times when you were hurt, the times when you did crazy things you can't tell your mom about- because you learned something from every single experience and every single person you came in contact with. So, here's what Erica Bryanna Paine became and learned in the past 8 months at Brigham Young University. 


It’s funny what being a couple thousand miles from everything you’ve ever known can do to you. It’s been one of those years where sometimes you smile just so everyone thinks you’re okay and you laugh because it’s easier than explaining why you aren’t laughing. It’s also been one of those years that you smile all the time secret little smiles because you thought of something, and you laugh for hours because you have nothing better to do and you’re just that happy.

This year I found myself, lost myself, and found myself again. I felt the hand of God in my life in ways that I couldn’t have even dreamed possible. He knows what I need even if I don’t.

I learned how to love people in ways that I never thought possible. I learned how much love I was capable of having. I learned how to be on my own. I learned that some people won't like you the way you want them to, but that it's just something you have to get over because sometimes some parts of life just suck. But it's not easy. I learned that you can make the kind of friends whose friendships span eternities. 

I learned to be a little more brave. I learned that it's okay to show people how you feel, even though it's hard and I still can't do it. 

I made lifelong friends. Friends I know I knew a long time ago before we even got here. I can't wait until years from now when my little kiddies will know my roommates as Auntie Kimberly, Auntie Morgan, Auntie Whitney, Auntie Mateja, and Auntie Amanda. It's happening.

Sometimes I joke and say the most valuable thing I learned in college is how to dance. I might laugh at that now, but it’s kinda true. Dancing isn’t only dancing. I’ve broken out of my shell a little bit. I’m still afraid, but I am learning that the only way to get what I want is through my fears. Run towards your fears. They only strengthen you when you run at them with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ at your side. With Them you always win. 

That time when I lost myself, it was so dark. I learned for the first time the real contrast between light and dark. Because of that, I know I never ever want to go back to the dark.

While I was sitting in my self-pity a couple months ago, I couldn’t see how blessed I truly was. Sure, I didn’t get the grades that I wanted, I couldn’t do everything that I wanted to do, and boys are dumb. But look at everything else I have around me. What I couldn't see is that I am the luckiest girl in the world.

These past couple months have been a growing experience for me. I am coming to except my mistakes and love all that I have. I am fine with myself. Coming to college I learned about photosynthesis and entropy but what I learned is more than that. I have learned it’s the relationships that we have- our relationships with those around us, those we love, those we don’t like as much, and our Heavenly Father- that really count. I’ve learned I can do hard things. No one ever said it was going to be easy. No one said this was going to be simple. They just said it was going to be worth it.

My life is wonderful. I have memories and learned lessons that I wouldn’t trade for a lifetime supply of clothes, shoes, little piggies, and a red ducati. Yeah. Not even for a red ducati. 

Change is bittersweet. I used to hate goodbye's until I realized that there's no such thing as a real goodbye. It's always just a "see ya later" because even if it's not in this life, we will see each other again. There are much, much greater things to come.

“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, 

for in movement there is life and in change there is power." - Alex Cohen