I DREAMED A DREAM

i don't know what it is about october, but october these days makes me dream about LONDON. oh how i love londontown. let's put this in perspective:

paris has my heart. paris is like my soulmate that i marry in the temple so we get to be together forever, that's how much i love paris.

LONDON is like my best best friend that i've known since i was two and we are soulmates just in a different kind of way. it is like my bosom friend and kindred spirit. i LOVE london.

so i'm having a hankering for some quinoa and edamame salad from pret-a-manger and some double decker bars from a drug store and also some chicken and potatoes from nandos PLEASE I NEED NANDOS.

also every time i listen to fool's gold by one direction it takes me back like it is too real. i feel like i've just gone back into a pensive and i'm literally sitting on the train, in the chunnel, with a black scarf over my head, laughing with my friends, and eating chocolate to get rid of the dementors. and then waiting for the bus to harry potter studios and talking to a scottish girl and her telling me that she likes my accent when i'm like your accent is wayyyy cooler than mine that i don't even call an accent.

did you know that they were selling tickets to have christmas dinner at the great hall? like i cannot even deal with the feelings of sadness/hope that one day i'm going to eat christmas dinner in the great hall. it would be worth every penny.

anyway october makes me think of london because october of last year i went to london and there's just something about it.

christmas also makes me think of london because i was there last christmas with ma mere, but now we are getting off on a tangent. BUT the purpose of this post is to tell you about my birthday present last year that was the best birthday present of my life. my mom and i went to the queen's theater in london and got tickets to go see les miserables!

for those of you who don't know, the west end of london near picadilly circus is home to several broadway theaters, such as the queen's theater. basically shows like les miserables, matilda, and wicked are pretty much always playing there. queen's theater is where les miserables was originally performed and it has always been a dream of mine to go there and see the play because i LOVE les miserables so much i could cry.

we might have been on the very top row, but it was the most incredible experience. every single singer was top notch, they had a rotating stage that made everything effortless and perfect, and i was singing i dreamed a dream for the rest of the month.

I LIKE BIG HEADS AND I CANNOT LIE

this labor day weekend my friends and i went on a #veryappropriateholidayvaction because we went to mount rushmore! man, i love those big heads. it has always been my dream to go to mount rushmore on a national holiday, and while i was thinking more like memorial day, flag day, or even the fourth of july, this one was pretty great and one for the books!

we planned to spend all three days in SD, but due to some things coming up, we only had two days, and i wouldn't change it for anything! it was so fun, and i went with the perfect people! saturday morning, my friends leah, diana, conner, and i headed to mount rushmore at 3 in the morning. we had ten and a half hours to drive, and we are all huge america/history nerds, so we listened to the america playlist on spotify and had the most amazing book ever called America: A Patriot's Handbook, from which we read speeches and inaugural addresses. it was the best car ride ever. also, freedom by akon was our theme song for the trip. whenever it came on everyone stopped and sang it, it was beautiful.

we got to south dakota and decided i'm moving there because it is SO beautiful.  the forests and the farmlands, horses and cows were everywhere, and imagine it when it snows! and the drive up to mount rushmore from the the main street! swoon! we spent saturday afternoon at the big heads and the museum, we were pretty tired and hungry afterwards, so we decided to drive to our hotel.

we were a little bummed because we had to choose a hotel that was about an hour and a half away because we waited so long to book it. who knew that so many people would want to go to south dakota for labor day?! anyway, we had a couple different options that were all about a half hour away, so we chose one that was east of keystone because it was right by badland national park in case we wanted to visit there, too. as we were driving up to the hotel in wall, sd, there was literally a billboard every 30 feet advertising a drugstore called wall drug, right by our hotel. the power of good advertising drove us to the wall drug literally five minutes before it closed. we peeked inside and decided to go back the next day.

we went swimming and then planned to watch national treasure (the second one because they go to mount rushmore of course) but we all fell asleep two minutes into the movie.

the next morning we probably spent three hours at wall drug buying souvenirs that we needed. they have like twenty souvenir shops packed into one and it's full of native american things and cowboy things and basically now it is my dream to live in wall, south dakota and have a farm and go to wall drug every day. they have old fashioned candy and donuts and basically a cowboy mall with boot stores and hat stores and books stores full of books about native americans, cowboys, and south dakota/wyoming. in the back of the store they have a big area full of places to take pictures, and you better believe we took pictures. so, yes, three hours later we headed back to mount rushmore to finish the day there. we went to the sculpture's studio and the gift shop (you know those suckers that gift shops are designed for, the ones who spend way too much money in souvenir shops, yeah that's me. and i just love them and can spend hours looking at them, they are like little museums themselves!) and soaked in as much of those big heads as we could (after we read more america facts in the car, of course).

around 5 that evening we started back to provo. the trip was quite uneventful, except when we were listening to "get out of my dreams and into my car" by billy ocean, we had a little too much fun and i got my first speeding ticket ever. i'm a criminal! i have a record! ahhhhhhhhh. i got really lucky the ticket was pretty cheap and the cop lady was very nice and was making jokes with us, so i felt better about it all and we continued on. about 12:30 in the morning we had to switch drivers, and it was my job to keep the driver awake, so we were almost delirious by 3 in the morning when we got back to provo. luckily we had no trouble driving back, and there was no traffic. when we had finally made it to university avenue, we had barely gotten off the highway and the speed limit is still 55. everyone was asleep except for diana and i who were slap happy and i see the outline of two HUGE stags right in the middle of our lane. it was so dark it's a blessing i even saw them. we were only about fifty feet from them when i saw them and diana didn't see them. i slapped my hands over my eyes and screamed "oh my gosh there's deer!" and by some miracle maneuver by diana she swerved the car around the deer. we were still going 55 and so it's a blessing that 1. we managed to avoid the deer and 2. we didn't flip when she swerved because needless to say everyone was awake and there was some major over correction because we were going so fast and the deers were so close to us when i saw them. a whole roadtrip without any problems and then five minutes from home we would have been wrecked. the car would have been totaled and there's no way diana and i wouldn't have been hurt because two huge deers would have smashed into our window.

we had the best trip ever, and i'm so grateful for america, friends who are so willing to drive basically for a whole day just to spend a day at mount rushmore and who love doing american/history things with me and three day weekends. next time, we're going to washington dc!

WE TALKED ABOUT CHRISTMAS

"you've felt it, haven't you? those feelings that seem to get so big in your chest, like something is so beautiful it aches?" -heather anastasiu

FRANCE FAVORITES// PART TWO

HULLO. HERE IS PART TWO.

HOTEL DE VILLE|| hotel de ville is one of my favorite places in paris. i love sitting in front of it, by the fountains, or on the chairs. it was always our meeting point when we needed to meet up in paris. also look at it. it's massive.

OPERA GARNIER|| the opera garnier is stunning. it almost (just almost) topped the hall of mirrors at versailles, but not quite. but it's that beautiful. also, it's where phantom of the opera is, which is coolio. the theater is amazing. it's exactly what you see in the movie, but it's real life so it's stunning. we just paid for entry, and toured the opera ourselves. i really liked being able to wander around and spend our time inside.

SHAKESPEARE AND COMPANY|| this bookstore is like a bridge in between the latin quarter and notre dame. it's a bookstore that you can spend hours in, and each time you go back, you find something new. i once went five days in row, but spent so much money there that i had to start limiting myself to twice a week. haha. book lovers and non book lovers love this place.

read my post for more information on shakespeare and co here

CHATEAU DE VINCENNES|| chateau de vincennes was one of the last castles that we visited, and by this point you love castles but when you can't live in them you maybe get a bit tired of them. but this castle. i loved it! it has a moat, and they had a dragon! it was so cool! i also loved the chapel here. it's definitely worth a visit to see a real medieval castle, plus you can get there by riding the metro, which is super nice. 

see my post on chateau de vincennes here

LATIN QUARTER|| everything good is in the latin quarter. the architecture in amazing, you can see la sorbonne and it has the best food. wander around the latin quarter, and just feel the vibe of this part of paris. it's one of the oldest parts of paris, but it's definitely one of my favorite areas. i spent most of my time here. 

AMORINO GELATO|| this is THE best place. it has the best variety of gelato, and their gelato is pretty darn good. i always would get inimatable (super creamy nutella gelato with chocolate chunks in it), pistachio, and speculos. BEST COMBO. they also put the gelato in a shape of a flower in the cone for you, and also they're everywhere. gelato is always a good idea. 

post on gelato here

KASHMIR HOUSE|| this is the best indian food restaurant. we went here so many times, the waiters started recognizing us. they are super nice, it's a smaller restaurant, and they speak better english than french. i always got the butter chicken, but tried almost all of the other chickens that they had and they were all really good. also the garlic and cheese naan is to die for. it's off the metro exit poissoniere. also, there is a grocery store right across from it, and when we would go in big groups, we would always get there a bit before it opened (6:45) so we would hit up the grocery store and stock up on candy, of course. 

CAFE MODERNE|| this is a meatball restaurant. i hate meatballs. but this place is great. you choose the type of meatball you want (veggie, fish, chicken, classic, etc.), your sauce, and then what you want it served on (noodles, potatoes, veggies, etc.). their customer service is fantastic, they always keep the water coming (which is usually a problem in france), and the food is soooo good!

BAKERY ON THE CORNER OF MALESHERBES AND RUE JEOFFREY|| this bakery was on our way home from the metro, and it had THE BEST baguette in all of paris. i know, i had a lot of baguettes. also, they're one euro (well, most are...).

more about where i lived in paris here

ARC DE TRIOMPHE|| the arc de triumphe is amazing. it's so beautiful, huge and the view on top is so great. you get the most beautiful view of the champs élysée, and i could have spent hours and hours up there. 

the one time i went to the arc can be found here

CATACOMBS|| the paris catacombs are soooo cool (maybe i should have used a thesaurus because i've only used like three words to describe everything, ha). they're creepy, but also you feel kind of respectful because it is a burial ground. i suggest you don't go during a school holiday unless you want to wait in line for two and a half hours like we did, but it was still really neat. it's a whole bunch of bones!

you can see the time i went to the catacombs here

EIFFEL TOWER|| i mean, of course, you have to visit the eiffel tower when you're in paris. i cried the first time i saw it because it was the eiffel tower! when you climb the tower, take the stairs! it's worth it. you take the stairs to the first and second floors, and when you get to the second floor, you buy a ticket to the top from a little machine. you can only take the elevator to the top. also, you MUST see the eiffel tower sparkle. it started sparkling at nine in the warmer months, and i think six in the winter. it sparkles for five minutes every hour on the hour all night. it's incredible. i was so lucky to be able to see her almost every day, and i will not and cannot ever get over the eiffel tower. 

and that's it! my list could go on and on and on, but here some things that you must see when you go to paris!

FRANCE FAVORITES (PART ONE)

HULLO. I'M PROBABLY GOING TO TALK ABOUT FRANCE FOREVER SO...

i thought i would make a list of all my favorite places to go/eat at for anyone who might be interested in going, and if anything i KNOW that you all want to know everything that i like (LOL), so here goes.

ST. MALO|| st. malo is a little port city in brittany, which is in northwestern france. it is uh-mazing. there literally are no words to describe how beautiful it is. we visited in early september, and the weather was perfect. the old city is surrounded by walls, and it used to be a merchant town which basically means at one time there were pirates. pirates! also, watch the sun rise over the ocean when you go for me, okay? stay at a hotel inside the walls, find out when sunrise is, and all you have to do is find the closest stairs to the surrounding wall, and literally anywhere will do for the most beautiful view. also, there is a book called all the light we cannot see which is based in st. malo, and i'm not quite done with it yet, but so far it's spectacular.

you can see the blogpost i did on my visit to st. malo here

THE NORMANDY D-DAY BEACHES AND CEMETERY|| visiting this site was an incredible and spiritual experience. being able to have a piece of america in france also meant a great deal to me when being in france was still such a novice and somewhat frightening notion. also, it's ridiculously beautiful, too.

you can see the blogpost i did on my visit to normandy and the d-day beaches here


THE LUXEMBOURG GARDENS|| i love love love the luxembourg gardens. they are in paris (which all the rest of these things are), and they are just so beautiful. i'm a broken record, i know. somehow my friends and i always found our way to these beautiful gardens. it's walking distance from amorino and the best macarons (more on these later), and an outlet for some of the best conversations with the best of friends. if you just want to walk through, you can see old men playing chess, the luxembourg palace, and my very favorite, you can rent a model sailboat for three euro and sail it in the fountain. it was the best three euro we ever spent!

read the blogpost on my day in the gardens here

LE MUSEE D'ORSAY|| this was my favorite museum in paris!!! (well out of the ones that i could get to, there are a million that i still haven't seen) i've spent hours and hours in this museum, but have not even scratched the surface! it's beautiful inside because it used to be an old train station, and it's home to some of the greatest pieces of art in the world. i absolutely hated impressionism when i came to paris, but i left loving it, and most of that is thanks to this museum. degas' ballerinas, van gogh's self portrait, monet's waterlilies (just to name a few). it's a smaller museum, which means it is less crowded, which is always a plus. if you go to paris, you MUST see this museum. (sidenote: the cafe at the top of the museum is spectacular as well. i am still dreaming about the chicken and mushroom pie that i had there!)

THE LOUVRE|| the louvre is a must see. it is stunning on the outside, and it is just overwhelming to think about how many works of art you can see there, but it's definitely worth seeing. when you go in to the museum, you can get a map that shows you all of the really popular things to see, but my favorite things were: madonna of the rocks by da vinci, all of the jaques-louis david paintings (neoclassicism is my favorite type of artwork, and david is THE master), go to the flanders section of the museum and see the room full of ruebens. it's a collection of twenty-something paintings of the life of marie de medici and amazing! i also love the rousseau wing of the museum and the classical sculpture. oh how i love classical sculpture! also, the winged victory is amazing as well as venus de milo. one of my favorite things to do was to sit in the louvre and write in my journal. as a student i got to go in whenever i wanted for free, and you just pick a spot, pop a squat, and hope that no asian tourists take your picture. also, you get to take a selfie with my homegirl, mona. 

SACRE COEUR|| sacre coeur is on top of one of the highest hills in paris. anytime you climb to the top of something in paris, you can see the byzantine style basilica. it's so huge it's a little overwhelming. you aren't allowed to take pictures inside, but that adds to part of it's sacredness. if you go to paris, you MUST go to sacre coeur! my favorite part of the basilica is to go to the back and you look up, and i swear you can see heaven. (also you can explore the whole area of montmartre and see the moulin rouge!)

see my post on montmartre/sacre coeur here

ANGELINA'S|| angelina's is a restaurant/cafe by the tuilaries. it's kind of expensive, but it's also a great thing to try at least once. their hot chocolate is world renowned. it's like drinking straight-up melted chocoloate. i personally liked their white hot chocolate better than the dark, but they are both really good. get it with the brioche!

SAINTE CHAPELLE|| i've seen a ton of churches and castles in my day and NOTHING compares to sainte chapelle. it's unlike anything that you've ever seen. it also has a very interesting history behind it because king louis thought he bought the crown of thorns that Christ once wore, and by doing so he made his people, the people of france, the new chosen people. 

NOTRE DAME|| every time i see notre dame, which was a lot because i had class right by it several times a week, i could not believe it. i still can't believe it. it's so beautiful, so ornate, and so omnipotent that it just blows my mind. it is easily one of my top five favorite places in the world. also, climb to the top, it's worth it and one of my favorite views of paris (plus you get to see the gargoyles!!!) 

part two coming soon!

PARIS, JE T'AIME

i remember the first moment that i stepped foot in france. i felt disgusting in my uncomfortable tshirt, and my pants had gotten so stretched out (saggy butt lol). my hair was greasy. i knew i looked deathly pale, and all of my makeup had come off.

my journey to france was one of the hardest things i have ever done. i can mark where i mentally started preparing for this around november of last year, but i know that i have really been preparing for this my whole life. november i got an idea, december that idea broke my heart.

in february all the pain and heartache of lonely years made sense to me when i found out that i was going to france. i really, really was going to france. it had always been my dream, and i couldn't understand why nothing had worked out the way i wanted it to before, but here was the answer.

but i still had to get through the summer. one of the hardest summers of my life. the summer of waiting.

and the day was coming. the weeks leading up to it were full of goodbyes and reunions every single night, and, in retrospect, i wouldn't trade that summer of waiting or those days i was alone for anything.

and then my physical journey to france. a flight to new jersey one day. a bus to new york the next. being dropped off in the middle of new york city. the time the homeless man helped me figure out where to go (i didn't ask him for help, just for the record), standing on the side of the road with all of my things waiting for the shuttle to come, exhausted and nervous. the long flight. the layover in iceland.

finally i'm in france, and all i can think about is how i am about to pee my pants.

and after waiting what seemed like hours for my luggage, standing outside for another hour, watching all the shuttles and taxi cabs pick up strangers, and wondering what in the world i was doing here in france, i was in france.

to simply put it, i am in love with this place and with so many things here. coming to paris at this time was exactly the right thing for me. i came here exactly when i needed to with the people i needed most.

and so paris, paris, paris. a part of my heart will always be in paris. i hope everyone gets the chance to fall in love with her someday.

there is never any ending to Paris and the memory of each person who has lived in it differs from that of any other. we always returned to it no matter who we were or how it was changed or with what difficulties, or ease, it could be reached. paris was always worth it and you received return for whatever you brought to it. but this is how paris was in the early days when we were very poor and very happy.  || ernest hemingway 

thnks fr th mmrs paris, i'll be back.

THE OPPOSITE OF LONELINESS

(i apologize in advance for the over-use of commas because, as i have said many times before, i still don't know how to use them, and they are one of my favorite things to use)

about a year ago i found an essay called "the opposite of loneliness" by marina keegan. with a title like that, i had to read it. written by a girl who died tragically in a car crash five days after she graduated from yale, her words resonate in my mind every second that i am in paris. the opposite of loneliness. the opposite of loneliness. the opposite of loneliness...

"we don't have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but if we did, i could say that's what i want in life."

when people ask me what my favorite thing about paris is, i don't tell them a place or a food, i can only tell them, the people.

the feeling of togetherness, the love, the wholeness, the opposite of loneliness.

there is a camaraderie here. these people in my group, seventeen strangers thrown together, have become my best friends. they are my family in this foreign land. we have seen all sides of each other, we have laughed together, we have had hours of gospel conversation, we have told our secrets that we keep to ourselves because of how personal they are, and we know we will be loved no matter what.

we have experienced this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity together,we understand everything that we have been through and done here without having to say anything. and it's so hard to put into words what that means, but just know it is great. 

this is why they didn't go to italy. why she didn't go to london. why i got rejected four million times. to meet each other.

in keegan's essay, she describes it better than i ever could have,

"it's not quite love and it's not quite community; it's just this feeling that there are people, an abundance of people, who are in this together. who are on your team. when the check is paid and you stay at the table. when it's four a.m. and no one goes to bed. that night with the guitar. that night we can't remember. that time we did, we went, we saw, we laughed, we felt. the hats."

i remember being afraid of coming to paris because i was worried that it wouldn't be everything that i dreamed it would, and thanks to my friends, this has been more than i ever thought it could be. every day is so full of pure joy. i don't think my little heart is big enough for all of this love.

there are so many people to thank here, but i owe it all to my fellow study abroaders. i have felt so unbelievably safe and loved every single day.

we don't have a word for the opposite of loneliness, but that's what i felt here in paris. for the times we talked in the luxembourg gardens, the time we danced on the champs. when we found the phone. thank you my buddies, my new family, my kindred spirits...this one is for you.

"we were together. i forget the rest" || walt whitman

FORGET ME NOTS

the days are winding down and the weather outside is getting as cold as the notion of leaving this place. my heart is so overwhelmed with gratitude for my favorite city, and to try and put a dent in that gratitude, here are eighty-eight forget me nots for the eighty-eight days i was/will be in paris.

1// walking to the metro with your friends after a night at the eiffel tower (best feels ever)
2// orangina and grapefruit and apple schweppes = LIFE BLOOD
3// bueno bars
4// reading books on the metro
5// the lady singing "i dreamed a dream" in the jewish quarter
6// our crêpe guy
7// sharing food
8// txt abbreviations. luv u. thx.
9// finger sweaters
10// mini sailboats
11// flower-shaped gelato
12// the hats
13// talking about christmas traditions
14// beaux arts cards
15// classical sculpture
16// exchanging date horror stories
17// kashmir house
18// the ysa dance where everyone was afraid of us americans
19// my buddies
20// ça va
21// d'accord
22// talking in accents
23// j'aime beaucoup beaucoup fatigue
24// our only group picture
25// when bernie asks a question and all your friends whisper the answer to you
26// blue doors
27// impromptu photo shoots
28// "red eye" by vance joy
29// angels in paris (phone guy/shop girl)
30// yarn stores
31// self timers
32// haribo
33// sitting in shakespeare and company
34// trains that take you to different countries
35// sis. lebras inviting us to her house every single day
36// watching pearl harbor with the girls (i think rory was there too...)
37// christmas music baking dance party
38// macarons
39// "on va manger les filles"
40// finding important things to talk about (the opposite of loneliness)
41// seeing heaven at the sacre coeur
42// the soccer street performer at montmartre
43// the russian ballet
44// taylor swift
45// dance parties on the champs at the christmas market
46// dance parties everywhere really
47// big slides
48// the eiffel tower
49// the times with wifi
50// the times without wifi
51// hot chocolate
52// waiters recognizing you in paris
53// chasing chocolat out of our room
54// fleas
55// late night roommate walks
56// dementors on the tgv
57// m. lebras' jokes in class (aka him making fun of us)
58// friendsgiving/ fakesgiving/ francegiving
59// metro vending machines
60// the best baguette at the shop on our corner
61// bhv bathrooms
62// bhv craft floor
63// wandering through anthropologie
64// skyping/ chatting every night with lex
65// "is this a video?"
66// the music coming from the bottom floor of the building on the way to the metro
67// walking arm in arm with kayla on the way to the metro
68// starbucks
69// christmas markets
70// our cat's instagram
71// vivre la revolution!
72// chicken meatballs
73// sitting in the louvre, writing in my journal
74// asians taking my picture
75// oysho
76// the carrefour
77// pop-culture and classical art snapchats
78// picnics by the eiffel tower
79// ALL THE STAIRS
80// the french flag in our bedroom
81// applesauce and mini cheese wheels
82// free water and free bathrooms
83// fhe
84// people thinking i'm dutch or swedish ALL OF THE TIME
85// the hanging toilet flusher
86// french youths (st. malo)
87// sitting outside hôtel de ville
88// everyone yelling your name everytime they see a cat= true love